So, for anyone in the heat of the hunt who has hit the point of exhaustion and is ready to settle, convinced true love will never come along... here are three reasons why it's worth it to hold out for the real thing.
Never wonder again
We've all spent time waiting for that phone call, wondering if they like us, worried they are interested in someone else. But when you meet the person that's really for you (whether it's forever or for a while), the unease often goes out the window. While you shouldn't blindly accept that you've met "the one" (because analysis and exploration are important and healthy), you'll have a feeling of excitement in the possibility.
What are the keys to this peaceful feeling? Self-confidence and honesty. If you can find them when you're solo, you'll be more likely to bring them to your relationships - and you'll make better choices about who to date!
Relax
If you're like most people, at some point in your life, you've lost a little of who you are in order to please someone else. Whether you gave up an activity, changed your hairstyle or even just kept your mouth shut, you may have done less than the best by yourself because you thought it was what they wanted.
One of the best things about a successful relationship is that it's your job just to be you - because that's who they want you to be, and more importantly, that's who you are! When you find the person for you, efforts to "make yourself appealing" cease because you already are. Now that doesn't mean you don't get dressed up, or buy lingerie or do your best to take care of yourself - it simply means that you get to abandon efforts to make yourself into something you're not.
Get what you give
How many times have you thought, "I'm always giving, giving, giving but what do I get?" Or "I wish they would do (fill in the blank) for me?" If you've had a lifetime (or even one time) of dating the wrong person, it's probably happened a lot. The good news is, when you do find the right match, you'll get as much as you give. Now that's not to say that you're beloved is guaranteed to be considerate or helpful around the house. What it means is that you'll be able to express your needs and get them met, as well as being open to what your partner needs.
The opposite side of the equation above - when you're just not that into them - can be just as unfulfilling, because you're not participating in the relationship. A participatory relationship is one that shows promise. The same goes for your relationship with yourself. Get active about creating the life you want, and watch your energy and self-esteem increase tenfold!
Yesterday, I loved you
loved you with all my heart
missed you constantly
hated being apart
Yesterday, I would have done anything
just to have you in my world
it would just be you and me
without the other girls
Yesterday, I cared for you
cared enough to work it out
chose to forgive and tried to forget
all the things I heard about
Yesterday, I longed to see
your loving and caring face
wanted to have you near me
needed to feel your embrace
Yesterday, I loved you
loved you with all my heart
missed you constantly
hated being apart
Today, I love you
but no longer am I in love
you erased what love I had
by hurting me so much
Today, I don't need you
to be in my life
I don't need that type of aggravation
I don't need you to make me cry
Today, I miss you
but I don't care to feel your touch
I don't need to be with you
I don't need that type of love
Today, I don't care
I don't need to see you again
because I'm finally getting over you
and my feelings just aren't the same
Today, I love you
but no longer am I in love
you erased what love I did have
by hurting me so much
Tomorrow, I will always love you
but you will be the past
you will be just another
relationship that didn't last
Tomorrow you will be remembered
as one of the fools
who hurt and betrayed
the love I gave to you
Tomorrow, I won't need you
for I will find another lover,
someone who respects me
as a friend and as a lover
Tomorrow, I will hope
that we could be the best of friends
maybe this will have changed you
but only if you've learned your lesson
Tomorrow, I will always love you
but you will only be the past
you will be just another relationship
that just didn't last
Yesterday, I loved you
Today, I still do
but tomorrow will be a different story
for tomorrow is what I feel for you
Keep in mind what I have said
for these words I speak
are the thoughts running through my head
This should let you know
what I felt and what I feel
for I now know
that, in time, my wounds will heal
I don't want you to think
I have any hate towards you
I just wanted to let you know
that with US, I am through
Yesterday I loved you
today I still do
but tomorrow will be a different story
for tomorrow is what I feel for you………………..
You've heard the advice before... make a list of the traits you want in a partner, be the partner you're looking for to attract them, give the nice ones a chance. And so much more. Well, we think there's nothing like a little experience to give you the best insider advice.
So we're revealing our deepest, most enlightened souls to help you decide what works for you based on what stage of life you're at, what's important to you and a few other things. The only thing we all agree on is - never settle!
In my 30s...
As a woman, looking for the right man in your 30s can seem so ominous. There is so much pressure to settle down (at least in my family) and if you're looking to have kids, get the process going before it's too late and all your eggs go on display with the ice age dinosaurs in the museum….noooooo! Yeah, you get my drift. So once I got off the societal, familial rollercoaster of pressurized expectations and dating, I broke it down very simply for myself. Who will make me happy and whose company will I enjoy on a very regular basis.
So what qualities am I looking for? I will not deny that I like a "man's man," but I also need them to have a gentle heart to accompany that lion's courage. What's the swagger without the smarts, right? I need an intelligent partner who is creative and enjoys discussing things from politics to plays. Now, I'm a funny lady (I do standup comedy in Hollywood clubs) and I like a man who can enjoy humor, be humorous and laugh at himself when things get rough.
Now Chemistry was not my best subject in high school but it is a very important subject in matters of the heart. I don't just mean physical animal like attraction - I mean emotional and mental chemistry, too. Enough so that the sparks keep things interesting but not enough to burn the house down. Someone who has a passion in life and compassion for people, respect for everyone and a caring nature is key. They need to ultimately want a more long-term commitment and potentially marriage.
I've always been the idealistic romantic but in my 30s, I now realize that, yes, love can conquer quite a bit - but timing is an essential ingredient to finding someone who is on the same page and headed in the same direction. Ideally we will both keep evolving as individuals and a couple. And, sure, if I'm going to ask for what I want... tall, dark and handsome makes the list!
In my 40s...
The key to a successful love connection in my fairly notable experience is, first and foremost, your connection must be one of total adoration - you must adore your partner and they must adore you! I have learned that if your guy does not absolutely see you as the "be all and end all" of his feminine desires, he's not going to stick around. That means your lover knows how to really listen to you and respect what you have to say - and they let you lead your life as you chose. Yet they can stand on their own two feet and defend their own ideas, passions and politics, which are not always aligned with yours. Yet their core human values are exactly as yours are.
Personally, I need someone who is adventurous - likes to travel, is creative in the bedroom, will try new food and who loves art, music, laughter, good design and photography (this may seem shallow to you - but if you're an aesthetic person, it matters!). Oh, and a sexy British accent doesn't hurt. Fortunately I have just described my partner of 11 years!
In my 50s
After years of tumultuous, exasperating, exciting, adventurous and sometimes contented commitments to a string of Mr. Rights, I now realize that I spent way too much time getting involved with what appeared to be exciting, handsome, rich, or just plain hot men without analyzing how good the long term fit might be.
Finally, I'm feeling as comfortable as a flighty Sagittarius can… that not only for this time in my life, but hopefully for the rest of it, I've found the man, for me. It's that phrase "for me" that I now understand is key. He's a man who's head I am compelled to cover with soft kisses as he sleeps, because his brilliant mind inside his curly-haired balding head, challenges and engages with mine. He makes me laugh and he makes me think. I learn from him. There is never a dull moment around our home, as we talk about our worlds and the world at large, and share a multitude of ideas and hopes and dreams. This is a man who will never stop growing, and dreaming and doing. He's not rich, but he's handsome, in the way men are handsome when they're in their sixth decade. He's a bit self-centered, but he's aware of it, and has his ways of making up for it. All he needs to do is draw me to him… we work together like two well-worn gloves.
Okay, so you feel like you're in love... or at least it seems like you are. After all, you're in a committed relationship. But how deep do your feelings really go? And what are the odds your pairing will stand the test of time?
Believe it or not, the answer to both of those questions isn't up to fate or science or any other external factor. It's up to you - and your partner of course!
What is an ideal relationship?
First things first: before assessing your relationship in these terms, it's important to acknowledge that ideal does not mean perfect… because perfect doesn't exist! All of us have flaws, which means that no one is going to check off every single item on any of our checklists - at least not in the ways we'd initially expect. However, an ideal relationship (read: one that's right for you) is possible. And you shouldn't settle for anything less!
In a truly healthy relationship, both partners feel like they're part of one team, even though they have individual identities. As they go about their days, separate or together, they know they can count on each other, confide in each other and connect with each other - emotionally and physically. They cheer each other on to their biggest wins and console each other when a loss occurs. They get to know each other's soft spots and tolerate occasional hard headedness. Above all else, partners in successful relationships feel connected and they know that fostering their connection (and strengthening it) is not as simple as just signing up for the game. It requires attention - and sometimes adjustment.
Access your relationship
In order to tell where your relationship's strengths and weaknesses lie, ask yourself the following questions. Then work on any areas where you feel you may need improvement. Always be open with your mate about your concerns and be sure not to adopt an accusatory stance as your approach. It's a team effort, always remember… and depending on the situation, both of your services are required to coach.
Fill in the blanks
How well do I know my partner? Their stresses? Their life goals? Feeling that you know your partner is a key indicator of a relationship's depth. It helps inform your decisions and makes you feel invested. So, if it seems that you're missing some key information about your mate - their ambitions, what makes them smile or what's getting them about a current situation (say at the office), the best thing you can do is ask them! Open up the door to getting to know each other on a deeper level. Agree to be each other's sounding boards. Doing so better enables you to be each other's support systems, too. This is the first step to true intimacy - and the one that will keep you bonded during difficult times.
On this note, how well does your partner know you?
While your partner is responsible for their half of this equation, too often we expect what we're not willing to give… which is never fair. So, if you want to know your partner, then you've got to let them get to know you too. You've got to give of yourself! If you need help getting started, here are a few suggestions.
Tell them your emotions (and not just the good ones)! Talk about your dreams (even if you think they sound silly). Share the goings on of your day (without worrying that it seems trivial or that doing so will stress them out). In addition to all the bonding benefits already mentioned, opening up enhances our ability to read each other, a skill which is key to braving stormy waters. As scary as it can sound, it also helps us to feel safe. After all, the freedom of being yourself with a person is hard to replace. The better you and your partner know each other, the more likely you are to remain committed.
Respect is the glue
Do we treat each other with respect... tenderness and affection? While it's easy to subscribe to a "we always hurt the ones we love" philosophy (especially after we've been less than sweet to our significant other), respecting our partners and treating them with care is the true measure of a bond's depth. Sure, we're bound to get irritated with each other, but if we're constantly chipping away at each other, the relationship is suffering (and weakening). It's also likely someone is taking the other for granted - and oftentimes both partners are guilty.
Compassionate speech
So, rather than give into your moods - or always freak out when your lover does something that irks you - make it a point to be tender with your partner, even if it means going against your urges sometimes. Be constructive in your criticism when you have to give it (remembering that sometimes, you can hold it back… even if it's just until the right time comes along). And lastly, never underestimate the importance of affection. Being physical with your partner (in and out of the bedroom) is part of the glue that keeps you together. And not only does frequent physical contact help to boost your emotional bond, it can help enhance your sex life, too! Something, which in and of itself, goes a long way to deepening your love.
